Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
