just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
