Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
50% drunk capacity currently
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
