Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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