that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
