i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Im part way to drunk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
