I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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