No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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