Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
