Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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