I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
