Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
