Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
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She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
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My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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