yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
