if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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