Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Who died my cat blue again?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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