i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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