Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
