At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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