There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
where does the pee come out of this thing
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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