Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
