I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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