At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
