i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The best revenge is premature balding
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
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He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.