This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
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I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.