If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
