I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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