Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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