I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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