Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
