I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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