Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
