if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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