Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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