I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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