if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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