He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
