My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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