I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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