dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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