so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
