I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Me too!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
