I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
