Don't make out with my wife yet
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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