We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
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The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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