I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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