i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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