Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Randomize
