When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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