why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
