What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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