how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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