I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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