fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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