I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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