I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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