He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
