life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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