my phone needs a breathalizer
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
