He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
