no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
