Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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