Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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