apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
